Okay, I can’t resist. I love the blog I Can Has Cheezburger?
As a philosopher of language, one of the things I find fascinating is the LOLspeak “dialect” that is emerging via captions and comments. In fact, LOLspeak has been Wiki’d and the Bible is currently being translated (possibly the fastest translation ever?) into LOLspeak (for cats, of course) via Wiki.
A part of the translation project is purely philosophical, translating classic arguments from the philosophy of religion into LOLspeak. So for your amusement this day, I give you these.
Awgooments For Ceiling Cat
Thees awgooments ar in ur computer, teechin ur mind bout teh Ceiling Cat. They ar gud.
Teh howse is jus riet for us kittehs. Is not too cowd or too hot. Is jus niec an warm an cuddlee. Teh hoomins gif us fud wen we ask an scrach us wen we mew cyoot. We gets to slepe anywhar an teh hoomins even gif us warm piels of cleen close to lay on. How awesoem!
If Ceiling Cat dint ecksist how cud all of dis happun? If teh howse wus too cowd we wud be ded kittehs wif ice! If teh howse wus too hot we wud be ded kittehs wif crispees! If hoomins not der to feed us we wud be reely skinneh and ded kittehs. If Ceiling Cat dint maek hoomins for us sleepin anywhar wud not be fun! An no cleen close to slepe on!
Evewythin in howse is riet for kitteh and dat is how we kno Ceiling Cat is reel, srsly.
We aes lolcats cann appweshiate teh fien tings in leif. We luvs teh cheesburgerz an we luv it wen we haev a neic waerm bed to slepe in. Ceiling Cat maed evewyting so pwetty an tuld us tat it wer pwetty. Dat is wai Ceiling Cat is so orsum an wae luv teh Ceiling Cat.
Fiwst Cawse (Cawsmolawgicle Awgooment)
Evewythin need a cawse, cuz, um, dat is how it is. We mew an hoomins gif us fud. Hoomins go in noysy box an go awayz an dey com bak wif fud. Dis is cawse an effekt. Who gifs teh hoomins fud? Oder hoomins cant gif hoomins fud so Ceiling Cat mus be givin dem fud for us and dem. See, Ceiling Cat bless teh hoomins wif fud for feedin us, how niec of Ceiling Cat! Hoomins must be pettin him awl teh tiem!
Ceiling Cat maed teh fiwst mew, an he maed fud for awl hoomins and kittehs. Der be no utta way to maek fud, srsly. So Ceiling Cat stawteded it awl!
Saentcat Anselm was liek Iz gotsa ideah of dis gr8test catbeing. Mai ideah of Ceiling Cat tis in mai miend. Ceiling Cat can bea realz. Seriously. Buttz ifs Ceiling Catz oenly plaeyin in mah hed and maibemietof existead den Ceiling Cat miet has bean moar pwnzor den he rlly is!! Oh noes!!1 Cuz den Ceiling Catz bigger in mah head den Ceiling Cat is fer realz! Airgoe, dis Ceiling Cat is moar grater den dat Ceiling Cat. Butz den, Saentcat Anselm was liek: “haha, I pwnzor uz catz wifout daeiteyz wif mah reduktshio add ubserdom!” Ceiling Cat can noe be bigger den anything else! Therefoars Ceiling Cat is in mah head ans in teh reelallities! Seriously!
Teh hiskool dropout
Iz findin cheezburger on ground and I noz sum dropoutz has been workin in MacD’s. There cants be a cheezburger withouts a hiskool dropout been makin it. So I sees Urfs and iz be thinking “Damn that bees one fine Urfs” sumone must av maed it. dis fine urths cudnt av com form nothin. must b ceiling cat
Can says “Oh Hai”? Liek who maik teh littrboxz? Liek who putin niec smelly new littr? Sum catz, riet? Nawt jus anny catz, riet? Reeeeeel smarty catz, meeee-oooowww! Can has rubs bellie? Nawt jus anny catz, riet? Niec rubs can has Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat has niec littrboxz first anna clumpy littr. Tehn youse catz can has one. Youse skratch, youse sqwat, den youse pee, den youse cover. Niec skratch.
Oh Hai, lookey here! Nawt jus anny littr clump. Who can has maded this niec clumpy pee? Nawt jus anny catz, riet? Must be reeeeel smarty catz, riet? See? Lookey? Sniffz. Clumpz. Taht splanes it. Ceiling Cat teh Telljunt Dezynr uv reel niec clumpy pee. Ceiling Cat sez so. Srsly. K’Thnxbai.
Pascal wus clever kitteh hu wus laik: “I am not knoin if teh Ceiling Cat is reel.” Oh noes! But Pascal was thinkin an thinkin, an he wus laik “If I is beleefin in teh Ceiling Cat, and he is reel, I will be gettin cheezburger. But if I has no beleefin in teh Ceiling Cat, and he is reel, I will be getting pwned. If there no Ceiling Cat, no matter anywai. I think I is beleefin in teh Ceiling Cat.”
All teh kittehs are knowing wut is gud and wut is no gud. Cheezburgers be good, and pwnin ur eminies is no gud. How ar we knowing these tings if Ceiling Cat has not tuwd us?! Ceiling Cat tells all teh kittehs wut is gud and wut is no good, so we knows wut to do. In a pewfec wold doowin gud wud be ruwaded bai hapines butt dis aint alwaiys rite cos dis wun tiem ia wus leik “hai hows yu” an he wus leik “GTFO”. Dis means dat der mus be moar leif to reewad us wit teh cheezburgerz we deeservs, an dat mus be Ceiling Cat.
Der iz sum fings dat iz so complicatd dat dey had tu be creeatd, cuz if yu taeks wun pees off, dey not wurks anymoar. Liek, der iz teh sofa, an it iz gud fr sleeping. But if yu taeks teh pillow off, it not gud anymoar! Cleerly, teh sofa cood not evolv. LOLZ. If yu finks teh sofa evolvd, yu iz stoopid.
Mai very speshul miricle!
I wuz in mai chair and i wuz feelin reely reely icky bicky. I hadz a diseez: Oh noes! But i asked teh Ceiling Cat to save me reely nicely. I was laik “pleez” and “kthx” and everythings! Then i looked outs of teh windows and i saw teh sun shining on me. I wuz feeling Ceiling Cat lickin me clean. At the end I wuz all betta! Ceiling Cat maded my diseez goes away! Hu else could be invisible doctor?!?!?! So Ceiling Cat is reel.
Sum luckeh kittehs iz visted by teh Ceiling Cat an tehn tehy do weeurd stuff liek wot they hadnt befour. Liek tehr wus a kitteh once tha wuz killin all teh niec kittehs tha wuz lieking the Ceiling Cat. Booooo!!! But tehn he wuz on teh way to kill sum more kittehs wen teh Ceiling Cat cum down an tek awey teh kittehs eyez. He wuz liek WTF!?!? An teh Ceiling Cat wuz liek “wy yu be killin mai kittehs? Iz gonna pwn yu” but thn he didnt pwn him an gev him his eyez bak an teh kitteh wuz so graytful an he lieked the Ceiling Cat to jus liek the kittehs hed bin killin!