on lightning strikes, ministry opportunities, and Saturn coupes

Observations from the heart of the adventure:

  • That people actually want to hear what you have to say, especially after years of being forbidden to exist, causes a deep sense of gratitude and humility.
  • Cats, even at sixteen years old, should never pee outside the box.
  • Coming out to high school friends can be quite the eye-opener.
  • Dissertations are really hard to write.
  • Really hard.
  • Especially when motivation’s not there.
  • Cat pee should be registered as a lethal toxin.
  • There are people out there who find it entertaining to knife a tire.
  • Sleep is underrated.
  • Until you don’t get it.
  • A tire that’s been knifed in the sidewall goes flat really quickly.
  • Especially if you don’t realize it until you’ve driven the half mile to church.
  • When you’ve not been allowed to work with children for sixteen years, trying to come up with a plan for a week-long fine arts camp can be a wee bit intimidating.
  • White bathroom rugs show every little bit of renegade cat pee.
  • It’s not easy to do the motions to “Wee Abide” when it’s sung quickly.
  • At least, not without screwing it up.
  • Whoever invented scented bleach deserves a medal.
  • At least one person who’s knifed a tire thought it amusing to throw said knife into the middle of a field, where it sticks, handle up, to taunt those who live nearby and have had to buy replacement tires.
  • Humidity has a distinct odor.
  • Or maybe that’s the West Lafayette waste water treatment plant.
  • Again.
  • Vets are ridiculously expensive.
  • I don’t care how good they are.
  • People who commit hit-and-run accidents should be taken out and shot.
  • I meant that figuratively, of course.
  • Or maybe I didn’t.
  • Never make a big batch of chili and then proceed to eat nothing but chili and coffee for 2 days.
  • Even if all you’re doing is sitting at a computer and writing.
  • Trust me.
  • If you have a white SUV with green paint under your back bumper, you’re on my list.
  • When one is invited to “speak to us” for two Sunday mornings, after being forbidden from any role reminiscent of church leadership for 15 years, an otherwise active mind can go completely blank.
  • And stay that way.
  • No cat, no matter how old she is, should lose 1/4 her body weight in just 2 months.
  • Vegan potstickers, though time consuming, are worth the effort.
  • When an SUV backs up over a little coupe, it can go a good two and a half, three feet before the [insert bad word here] driver realizes that backing up is just a wee bit more difficult tonight than is usual.
  • Doorbells are a dandy invention, and Indiana landlords should consider the investment.
  • When said SUV pulls forward, the license plate holder and front bumper clamps can shoot a good three feet in front of the car to which the formerly said accoutrements were attached.
  • Grad student stipends are miniscule.
  • Especially if said grad student is studying something like philosophy.
  • And not, say, engineering.
  • …Or business.
  • …Or chemistry.
  • Sometimes, neighbors can be tenacious.
  • …Or mathematics.
  • Police can be very nice and helpful-sounding when they come to investigate the scene of a crime.
  • But after a house robbery, there’s not much they will do.
  • Other than give you a case number.
  • Even with the tenacity of neighbors, it can take a good 24 hours before a person without a doorbell can hear somebody at the door.
  • Even if she’s been home all day.
  • Without motivation to write that dissertation.
  • Even the most engaging computer game gets old.
  • …Or science.
  • Finding out your car has been run over by an SUV is not exactly a joyful occassion.
  • Not even at 11 pm.
  • Walking in the street barefoot is not exactly a brilliant action.
  • Especially at 11 pm.
  • An SUV can buckle the hood of a small coupe.
  • And destroy the front bumper.
  • …Or physics.
  • If you want your neighbors to think you’re a crazy lady, wander around the neighborhood barefoot at 11:30 pm, in grungy jammies, peering under SUV rear bumpers.
  • Or you can always answer the front door in nothing but a tattered shirt and undies, brandishing a broom like you know how to use it and aren’t afraid to.
  • Dissertation deadlines are wonderfully motivating.
  • Every good car needs a good starter.
  • New starter : three hundred dollars.
  • Deadlines don’t encourage good writing.
  • Hood and a front bumper : two thousand dollars.
  • It’s only a little funny when somebody tells you to remind them not to stand next to you during the next lightning storm.
  • Used tire : thirty-five dollars.
  • It’s rather difficult to determine whether a hit-and-run driver is insured or not.
  • Finding out you’ve got to replace a starter, front bumper, hood, and tire : Priceless.
  • If you try hard enough, you can, while chopping mushrooms for potsticker filling, cut right through your finger, removing the entire tip.
  • State law dictates that if there is no evidence that the offending vehicle driver is uninsured, the insurance claim must presume they are insured.
  • Giving a cat a bath is inadvisable, even if she’s declawed.
  • Deductibles suck.
  • Especially on a meager stipend.
  • Human fingertip is not vegan.
  • Two parts kahlua, one part vanilla vodka, one part Irish cream, three parts milk, over ice.
  • You won’t write much better.
  • But you won’t much care.
  • I’m thinking about parking in that vacant lot.
  • Right next to the knife.
  • If you time it just right, you can jump into bed, listen to relaxing ambient sound, take a sleeping pill, and still lie there awake for the next six to eight hours.
  • There’s supposed to be a lightning storm tomorrow night.
  • You might want to stand way over there.
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One thought on “on lightning strikes, ministry opportunities, and Saturn coupes

  1. wvhillcountry

    I winced at some of the things happening in your life right now but I laughed at your humor in handling them. Good post

    Reply

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